Skip to main content

The Right to Process

The right to feel is inherent. The right to feel how you feel and use your own terms to state it is a given. Unless you're adopted, of course. 

If you're adopted, all involved parties are aggressively eager to inform you of how you feel, when you feel it, and how you're allowed to say it, all the while diminishing the reality of your feelings by interjecting the comparative importance of their own. 

For instance. The adopter. "I love you! I'm bonded with you! You love me too! You're bonded to me too! You're grateful for the better life I'm providing for you! Look how nice your things are! Could your horrible junkie parents give you such nice things?" 

In the meantime the Adoptee is wearing her nice clothes and wetting her nice bed because of the nightmares, and by eight years old is already wondering what it's like to be dead.

I could give you examples of how relinquishers, gentle adopters, industry flunkies, and even our own fellow Adoptees, those who claim the mantle of "happy" and "grateful", try to reprogram us into the shell they want us in. "Use the words that make US comfortable. Have the feelings WE are comfortable with you having. And NEVER FORGET that kept children have problems too, relinquisher pain is more intense and debilitating than adoptee pain, and #NOTALL." If you forget any of these "facts", you will be brusquely corrected (and that is putting it mildly).

The fact is, the only opinions adoptees are allowed to have are everyone else's. If we don't condone adoption we're crazy and uneducated. If we don't sympathize with relinquishers we're mean, angry, cruel, and like to "torment broken mothers". If we don't agree with "happy" cribmates that adoption is wonderful and saved us, we "just had a bad experience". Very rarely are enlightened adoptee perspectives lifted up and listened to the way "happy" adoptee perspectives are.

Very seldomly is our pain able to be recognized and validated. Very seldomly is our healing process able to be respected. This generally only happens in private rooms and little "safe zones" we carve out for ourselves, and even then we aren't safe. We will still be betrayed by cribmates panting for relinquisher approval. Little dark rooms, whispering behind our hands, keeping our pain small and silent so it doesn't get us brutally attacked and reviled by the ones whose opinions we are supposed to bear. The ones whose feelings we are supposed to feel... The ones who ACTUALLY COUNT. The adopters. The relinquishers. The "happy" adoptees.

I'm not allowed to feel how I feel. I'm definitely not allowed to talk about it. I'm not supposed to use the words I choose to describe my feelings. Because my feelings, and the words I use to describe them, make others angry and uncomfortable. I'm not allowed to heal how I need to heal. I am supposed to subscribe to the prescribed methods of the interested parties. If I heal my own way, if I use my own words, they might have to consider. If I tell the truth, it might expose a lie.

It's too hard to look at, my truth. My truth SUCKS. Too bad. You have to look at it anyway. I can't live the comfortable lie. Why should the perpetrators of adoption sit in their self-appointed seats of superiority and dictate to a victim of their crimes how, when, where, and what we're allowed to feel, what we're allowed to say about it, and how we're supposed to be so kind and compassionate toward them through it all. 

Frankly, how dare you even try to suppose how I should feel? The legs of the so-called "triad" that stand on the backs of adoptees know what life is like without adoption in it. They DON'T know what it's like to lose your entire world and have it replaced with a fake one. Before you can talk. Before your modes of communication can be properly translated. How dare they suppose to have a single bloody clue what it's like to grow up with a stranger for a mother?

You don't get to tell us ANYTHING.

YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU CAN'T KNOW. AND ALL THE EMPATHY IN THE WORLD WON'T TEACH YOU.

Sit down. Shut up. Let me process my shit hole of a life my way. (A shit hole it would not be, might I add, if I had not been relinquished and adopted.)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Poor Mistreated Adopters

Yeah, you heard me. I didn't stutter. Some of you are not going to BELIEVE some of the shit I've read this week. And some of you are going to be asking me, where did you find that blog? I need to follow her! Don't worry, I'll attribute the website at the end of this article. I think some of my fellow adoptees might like to take a look at it well.

The blog post is about what she refers as "trauma children". By this she specifies that she's talking about older fostered adoptees who have been traumatized by the system. But frankly, some if not all of the behaviors she twists and misconstrues to suit her victim model would apply to a lot of us, not just kids that came out of care later. Many of us have had some of these manifestations of C-PTSD. Especially those of us mistreated by our adopters. For example:

"You’re pushed away. You’re spat upon. You’re punched. You’re hit. You’re rejected. You’re lied to and lied about and often. You’re the scapegoat for …

Adoptive Parent Fragility

I'm curious, how do you expect to raise an adoptee when you can't even handle talking to one online?

Really. Riddle me this, because I want to know. Let's say, for sake of argument, I put forth the theory that an AP feels more bonded to their adoptee than the adoptee feels to them. I suggest that it's possible that, as most of us do, the adoptee is afraid to share any unhappiness they may feel. That they are subverting that unhappiness to soothe the AP. Adoptees are notorious people pleasers and often do live in terror of displeasing APs. I suggest that, when asked, an adoptee is likely to lie about their detachment, so as not to disappoint the AP and out of fear of rejection.

Some APs take advantage of his level of depth and openness to examine their own families and consider ways ways to solidify their attachments to their adoptees.


Fragile APs will insist they know how their children feel. "MY child is bonded with ME," they'll say. "I can FEEL it.&qu…

Beware, Or At Least Be Aware

A fair warning to my cribmates

As you step out if the fog and begin to navigate adoptionland, there are people and places you will have to watch out for. Let's just dive right in. 

1) Adoptive Parents: Also known as APs, Adopters, Purchasers, Vultures. These people will tell you how beautiful it all is. How heart wrenching infertility is. How grateful they are for the "gift" of their child. These are exactly the same people who, in discussions about open adoptions and birth parent contact, will say things like, "You can tell the judges and counsellors whatever you need to, once the papers are final you can do whatever you want." 

That "whatever you want" includes rehoming Adoptees, 75% of open adoptions being closed by the five year mark, claims of biological unsuitability to stop contact with "their child's" real family.

These are the people who, if you say, "being adopted sucks", will quickly jump on you. "You just had a bad…