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The Divisive Adoptee



I will be divisive, because we need to be divided from you, relinquishers. 

We need to be divided from your adoptee-blaming, shaming dismissal. 

We need to be divided from your selfish advocacy. Our predicament was caused by you and is not a place to hide from your pain.

We need to be divided from your browbeating. It's not our fault you gave us away, and it's not our fault we're angry about it.

We need to be divided from your constant need for sympathy and compassion. The onus of your grief does not lie at our feet.

We need to be divided from your constant need for validation and congratulations. If you're doing the good work stand up and do it. Stop broadcasting it in the hopes it will score you brownie points with adoptees. We may appreciate the work you do, but it certainly doesn't excuse anything or warrant any ass licking.

We need to be divided from your fragility.

We need to be divided from your inability to take responsibility for the pain you've caused us, both in our infancy and adulthood.

We need to be divided from your defensive, whiny pain. It's no longer relevant and we have plenty of pain of our own.

In short, we need to be divided from you, relinquishers. Advocate away. Help us. Demand credit, lose respect. Helping us isn't about raising your good guy badge up for all to see. 

Helping us won't give you your child back.

Helping us won't make us sympathize with you.

Helping us should be about us, and the injustices dealt out to Adoptees daily, not about your good guy badges, validation, and self-congratulation. It's not about us coming around to understand your motives and patting you on the back. It should be about you making up for the shit you did, without any thought of reaping rewards from us.

Stop putting on a show. It's not going to make us tell you it's ok that you didn't keep your kid.

Advocate if you want to. Support adoptees if you want to. Stop expecting some kind of reward from us, because it's not our job to polish your little gold star.

I'd rather be divided from your sanctimonious crap, than put up with your abuse in exchange for your 'help'.

Comments

  1. Love it! Thank you for another spot on post.

    I have empathized with and felt compassion for first mothers experiences and have always been supportive. Until recent exchanges with Mirah and Lorraine, where they both (and other first mothers) attacked adopees in a very deep and painful way. After being friends for year, their attacks blindsided me. There was no middle ground with either of them or some of the other first mothers who joined in to support Mirah. Profound damage was done to the relationship between this adoptee and first moms.

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