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Our "Allies"

...or at least that's what they call themselves.

They aren't really, these relinquishers. Oh yeah, they'll help you with their search angel skills or yell at the Capitol building and wave signs, but it's their daily behaviors in adoptionland that tells their real feelings and agendas.

They'll help you if you're "nice". If you're "sympathetic" and "compassionate". As long as you "show them the proper respect". If you don't, they cry, bash, silence, and smear.

And what exactly is "the proper respect" to show someone who has given away their child? How am I supposed to look at you, knowing that you did to a child exactly what my mother did to the eight of us, and respect you? Knowing intimately the pain of relinquishment and abandonment, how am I supposed to be expected to be compassionate and sympathetic toward you? When I know for a fact that because of you there is at least one child out there who carries around the same shit that I carry in my soul? My self?

Here's the fact. I can't. I can't feel the pain and anguish of having lost my family, and look at you, knowing that because of you, someone else feels what I feel, and be nice, kind, and compassionate.

Do you understand that, relinquishers? I cannot be sympathetic toward anyone who has inflicted the kind of pain I've lived my life in. Even the mothers who own their shit... It's still hard to look at them and be kind some days. Because I know. And in some cases, I know their relinquished children as well. I see it first hand.

A question for you. Can you have sympathy toward the people that "inflicted" relinquishment on you? So many of you claim you had no choice, can you have sympathy for the people you claim took your choice?

Can you have sympathy for the adoption industry?

If the answer to that is no, don't EVER expect me to have any kind feelings toward you. Work with me or don't. Help adoptees or don't. But don't think for a second that garners you sympathy, because no one can pity the mirror of their perpetrator.

Next time an adoptee is "mean" to you, consider what you might say to an industry perpetrator if given a chance, and then swallow back the vitriol you want to spew. All you do is lose adoptee respect and support. And frankly, I don't give a fuck if I hurt your feelings or not. My mother hurt me,and you hurt another child just the same. You deserve whatever you get.


  1. I am so so very sorry you are in so much, Julie. I am so sorry about your baby who wa skilled.

    1. Really, Mirah? First, Julie's blog is about the women who relinquish, not about the child she lost. It's unbelievable to me that you'd mention that here (or at all). Not once, but twice! One has absolutely NOTHING to do with the other. And writing about something so extremely personal (to Julie) in a public forum is outrageous and completely unacceptable! That is her business to write about publicly or NOT! Have you no shame at all? No sense of privacy or decorum? I am simply gobsmacked at your unending lack of respect for other people's feeling and privacy.

  2. I am so so very sorry, Julie. I am sorry you've been so hurt. I am sorry for all adoptees. I am so sorry about your baby who wa skilled.


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