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Showing posts from August, 2017

101 Facts That Prove Adoption Isn't "BraveLove"

1. Adoption isn't brave. It's the easy way out of being a parent.

2. Adoption isn't love. It's predicated in loss and trauma to a child.

3. The only guarantee in adoption is loss.

4. The child will lose its entire family, history, and genealogy in one day.

5. Adoption doesn't guarantee a better life. Just a different one.

6. An adoptive mother will never be a suitable substitute for a real mother.

7. The truly brave and loving choice is to parent your child.

8. Adoptees are 4x as likely to attempt suicide as non adoptees.

9. Adoptees are 50% more likely to be abused than non adoptees.

10. Adoptees are 30% more represented in juvenile detention and inpatient mental health facilities.

11. In order for one family to be "built through adoption", another family must be destroyed.

12. No one has ever been "called by god" to adopt. The bible does not sanction adoption.

13. Adoption does not equal love. Adoption equals relinquishment.

14. Adoptive Parent happiness e…

Adoption=Brave Love? I Think Not

Adoption is not the brave choice. It's not a loving, selfless decision. It does not show your true devotion and unselfish love for your child. These are lies pro-adoption organizations tell you to convince you relinquish your baby. Any place, person, or organization who calls you a birth, first, or natural mom while saying they want you to make an informed decision about adoption is lying to you. These people are already relegating you to second-class status in your baby's life.

You are NOT a birth mother. You are a mother. That baby in your belly is yours. God didn't put the baby in your womb for anyone else. He put it there for you. Don't let anyone convince you the child you are creating belongs anyone but you at any time. 

What you are considering is an out. Adoption doesn't guarantee a better life. Just a different one. No "loving family'' you "place" your child with will ever love it as much as you probably already do. Many adopters becom…

Happy Gotcha Day

Does this strike you as appropriate? The balloons and confetti? Like it's a smash-bang blowout.

Happy "all hope of ever reuniting with or playing a meaningful part in your real family" day.

Happy "ha ha I win I snatched you when no one was looking" day.

Even "adoption day" is no better. Happy "day I legally took a child to raise as my own" day. Happy "day a piece of paper severed you from your family and made you 'mine'" day.

This may be a cause to celebrate for you. Naturally. Everyone claims the adoption process is such hard work, (I don't really see how a bunch of cleaning, talking, writing, thinking, and waiting is such hard work, but I'm a writer) and after it's over and they hand off that traumatized little person to you, you're so happy you could twirl.

The adoptee is not. Especially if you are an infant adopter. That child knows where it came from and where it belongs. And it isn't with you. It doesn&…

Adoptive Parent Fragility

I'm curious, how do you expect to raise an adoptee when you can't even handle talking to one online?

Really. Riddle me this, because I want to know. Let's say, for sake of argument, I put forth the theory that an AP feels more bonded to their adoptee than the adoptee feels to them. I suggest that it's possible that, as most of us do, the adoptee is afraid to share any unhappiness they may feel. That they are subverting that unhappiness to soothe the AP. Adoptees are notorious people pleasers and often do live in terror of displeasing APs. I suggest that, when asked, an adoptee is likely to lie about their detachment, so as not to disappoint the AP and out of fear of rejection.

Some APs take advantage of his level of depth and openness to examine their own families and consider ways ways to solidify their attachments to their adoptees.


Fragile APs will insist they know how their children feel. "MY child is bonded with ME," they'll say. "I can FEEL it.&qu…

A Note to an Expectant Mother

Relinquishment isn't an act of love.

Nurturing a child is. 

You chose to stay pregnant past your cut-off for an abortion. Whether your motives for that were altruistic, or because you didn't feel like you could live with yourself if you aborted me, is neither here nor there at this point. Unless you do something drastic, I'm happening.

It's not supposed to be about you. As far as I'm concerned, your option of whether or not you're going to be my mother is over. That ended when you opted against abortion. You are my mother now. You are a duplex. Your womb is my apartment. I live there. My every need and want comes from you. Every sound I hear is You. Your breath, your heart, your voice. Every other sound is dim compared to you.

Your DNA is mine. Your family traits will live on in me. Your cells mold my own, and mine leave an imprint on yours. I'm as much a part of you as you are of me.  

And after being squeezed out and rubbed raw, all I want to do is snuggle clo…

The Fog: What It Looks Like From Here

To quote Phoebe Buffay on "Friends", right after she found out her mother wasn't her biological mother, "Let me see. I was born, then everyone started lying their asses off!"

I know I'm not the only adoptee who's felt this. And I know I'm not the only one who was gaslighted. In fact, I think it's probably very rare that any of us wasn't gaslighted in some way.


I used to think I was lucky. That's what everyone always said. I didn't feel lucky, but I thought I was supposed to be, so I convinced myself that my own guts were lying to me. I became lucky in spite of myself. 

I thanked my amother for adopting me. More than once. She needed to hear it frequently. I had to reassure her that I was grateful, that I needed her, that my life would have been incomplete without her. Not all amothers are that needy, that's for certain. But most I've spoken to have definitive preconceptions about what we do or should feel.

Most of us are taught t…

Dear Adoption, You Forced Me To Be Perfect

Dear adoption,

Because of you I was not allowed to be human. Humans are allowed to make mistakes. To be imperfect. To have feelings that aren't happiness and gratitude. Humans are allowed to be sad. Humans are allowed to get dirty and sick. Humans are allowed be afraid.

I was never allowed any of those things. I was "the perfect baby". That's what the adopters call us, right? Perfect babies. The right children. The baby they've been wishing for. We've waited so long. Been so disappointed. Drowned in miles of heartache. But now have our perfect child. The right child. The one we've been waiting for. The baby who makes our family exist, fills the holes in our souls, and cures our infertility. Now we can build our beautiful life with our perfect child.

Adoption, that's a lot of pressure to place on the head of a little person whose skull hasn't even solidified yet.

You made me into a doll. A cabbage patch kid, with their blank, staring eyes. A blank page…

Suicidal Again *Extra Trigger Warning*

Preface: Put down the hotline number. You'd need to worry if I  DIDN'T publish this.

C-PTSD. Rapid-cycling bipolar II. Disassociative Identity Disorder. Developmental Trauma. Straight disassociative disorder. Borderline personality disorder. Multiple Personality disorder. Reactive attachment disorder. All the diagnonsense that has been handed to me by my ther-rapists over the years. The pills. Oh, the pills. Red, white, blue, yellow, green, orange, pink. I had a purple triangle script once. Can't for the life of me remember what those were. Lithium, Prozac, thorazine, klonapin, Zoloft, morphine, valium, xanax.... the list wears on for pages and pages. Inpatient, outpatient, three, four, five sessions a week. Home visits by therapists (yes it went that far).

I've actually been dead five times. Heroin OD. My friends decided I needed to live. Mostly because they didn't want to face jail time for possession and manslaughter. It hurts pulling a needle out of your own he…

The Myth of the Failed Adoption AKA The Comandeering of the Biological Imperative

{AKA The Commandeering of the Biological Imperative}

Failed adoption is typically defined as an adoption plan that has been cancelled because the relinquishing mother of a newborn changes her mind and decides to parent. When the HAPs waste their time, money, and emotion getting invested in "their birth mother" (I.e. the child's mother) and her unborn child. Picking out names. Buying baby clothes. Outfitting nurseries. Traveling. Visiting. "Bonding".

All this done, mind you, before the child is born, much less before any papers are signed or custody relinquished. The HAPs begin to look upon the fetus in another woman's womb as quite their own. Many refer to these women as "our birthmother" and the fetus as "our child".

Their lawyers and agencies are advising this coercion. "Get to know [your birth mother], establish a relationship. She will be more likely to relinquish when the time comes." In other words, "Establish a rapport…