The blog post is about what she refers as "trauma children". By this she specifies that she's talking about older fostered adoptees who have been traumatized by the system. But frankly, some if not all of the behaviors she twists and misconstrues to suit her victim model would apply to a lot of us, not just kids that came out of care later. Many of us have had some of these manifestations of C-PTSD. Especially those of us mistreated by our adopters. For example:
"You’re pushed away. You’re spat upon. You’re punched. You’re hit. You’re rejected. You’re lied to and lied about and often. You’re the scapegoat for all of their pain. You’ve supposedly ruined their life before you were ever in it. You’re screamed at, yelled at, and victimized."
"You know what it’s like to love the unlovable. To say yes to a call from God that no one else wants to hear or acknowledge. To take in a child of trauma. And you know what it’s like to be hated—and all but destroyed—by that child in return."
"You try to explain to your relatives what it’s really like to live with this child, but they don’t get it. No one does. Because all they see is the charm. The smiles. The public display of model behavior."
"All the world feels pity for your “innocent” child. But no one seems to care or notice that life at home with them is sheer hell."
Apparently raising a traumatized child is sheer hell. We traumatized children, we do these things just to hurt our adopters, you know. We are master manipulators, she says so herself. We are angels in public and devils sent from hell torment them at home.
" She is only SEVEN but I am already suffering from her manipulative behaviour, even through I understand she is only child: ( Sometimes, I wish I could turn clock back and never have an experience of being an adoptive parent."
We are blamed for their inability to bond with us.
"I know EXACTLY how you feel. There are times when my 9 year old adopted son clings on to me, that I am screaming inside my head “No! Not again!”. He needs me so badly and I know the expression “die to self” when I Have to hug him."
"People feel sorry for him and always tell us well “its what he has been through.” We are well aware of the theories of development but it doesn’t change the situation. Well now my sweet two birth children are getting the bad end of the deal…no one seems to care how they are being affected.....We choose to LOVE him everyday but we do not like him. He tries to hug us and cling on us all day and it feels gross. I know that sounds terrible but it is true and it really is difficult to deal with. I pray for God to give me some affection towards him if Im supposed to."
These are our adopters. These are the people raising adopted children. Many of them confess to not loving their adopted children at all, and anxiously awaiting the moment they can kick them out of their houses. One claims her adopted children broke her heart... the daughter moved in with a guy when she turned 18 and the son started smoking "weed", you see (her quotes on weed, not mine). And now, "We have given them the best of everything we have and also, the best years of our lives. We stay in prayer believing GOD is in control and knowing we must turn these children and these problems over to HIM.... I am now on an antidepressant because I have been devastated by their actions and I’m trying to hold on." Let's don't mention all the self-medicating your kids are doing.
Weirdly enough, I'm violating no privacy here. This wasn't a closed group or a private conversation. These comments are on a public blog for all see. Some of them even posted under their real names about how they don't love their adopted children, how those children are traumatizing them and making their family lives intolerable.
574 comments, to be precise. 574 adoptive mothers commented, every one of them talking about how they are the victim of their adoptees' abuse. Adoptee abuse. I've heard the phrase before, but never in this context.
" They have the relationship without the commitment (the very thing these kids reject)."
We reject commitment? WE REJECT COMMITMENT? So, let me just get this straight in my head. My inability form any kind of meaningful bonds with people, even those I love deeply and want desperately to bond with, is now being minimized down a petty attempt to take a pot shot at my adopted mother? To make sure that you know that we don't love you and you aren't our mothers?
Because let me tell you something boys and girls. These women on this blog, and the one that wrote it, sound eerily like my narcissistic, abusive adopted mother. So many of them, SO MANY, have used the "abuse" they "suffered" at the hands of their adoptees (they call us "trauma children" to make sure you can tell the difference between the biological children and the good adoptees, and the bad, "abusive" adoptees) as an excuse ostracize the "trauma children" from their lives. SO. FUCKING. MANY.
Of course there's a lot of talk about RAD and PTSD in the comment thread, but very little understanding of the diagnoses, their causes, or their solutions. The level of disdain and lack of care demonstrated toward "trauma children" all over this page is astounding and more than a little sickening. (It's taken me two days since I first read it to calm down enough to blog about it.) The "trauma children" are only mentioned in the context of the damage they cause. How needy they are, and how inconvenient that neediness is. How they cause the aparents to neglect their other (in some cases, "real" or "actual") kids. The trauma is never mentioned except as a cause of the children's manipulation and abuse. Never once does she mention or seem to consider how much pain the "trauma child" is in.
So many of these adopted, traumatized children have been cut off. Kicked out. Rehomed. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, in adoptive parent victim world, they call it, "we had to dissolve our adoption." So many of them have "caused my family so much pain and suffering that I can't even love them".
These people are clueless. The haven't got a drop of compassion in their souls. They don't seem to realize that when your adoptee is acting out and screaming at you, it's because we feel safe enough to feel that pain with you. We are pushing you away to see if you'll go. And when you do, you're just confirming everything we already thought. You didn't love us. You didn't take us in for us, you did it for you, and you're going go away just like everyone else.
These poor kids are drowning in unimaginable sorrow, and all these adopters can think about is how they're being "abused" and "manipulated" by traumatized, confused, frightened, lonely children.
At least now I have a very clear and deep understanding of how my adoptive mother turned my entire adoptive family against me. She played this card. These women, every one of them, sounds just like her with her "wounded soul" and "broken heart".
Tell me again how adoption is a beautiful thing.