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The Fog

It's hard to explain to people that don't already know. Honestly, it pisses off any adoptee you mention it to if they still believe the lies.

It's not just the lies we're told about who we are and where we come from, as if that wasn't enough to be "grateful for". It's  the lies we're told about adoption itself. If we contradict these lies, we're "ungrateful", "just angry", "crazy", "need therapy". (That's just from conversations with the brainwashed TODAY.) Oh right, we "have chip(s) on our shoulder(s)" and are "contradicting everyone else's experience".

We are taught from infancy by adopters, agencies, social services, society, and our parents that adoption is a "blessing", a "beautiful thing". We are "chosen". Adoption "saves lives", "gives children better homes", helps couples "build families". Saves babies from abortion. And this is all done altrutistically, out of the goodness of the agencies' and adopters' hearts.

Now here's the part that's gonna piss off those of you still living in unicorn and rainbow land. It's. All. Lies. Adoption begins and ends with loss. We are all scarred, AND WE ALL BEAR THE SAME SCARS. Have you ever noticed sometimes only someone else who's adopted can understand how you feel about family stuff? Ever wonder why that is? Because we have ptsd because our mothers left us. Voluntarily or not, deserving people or not, capable of raising us or not, OUR MOTHERS LEFT US. It left an indelible mark on us, like that lightning bolt scar on Harry Potter's forehead. Only ours isn't visible, and we don't get acclaim and adoration for ours. We get told shut up and stop disturbing the illusion. Also, when ours start aching, it's not because Lord Voldemort is nearby. (I dare not equate biofamily to Voldemort, but some cases...)

All levity aside. We are scarred (and yes, I can hear you wearers of the rose coloured glasses puffing up and getting ready to blow like an atom bomb, and I literally could not care less.). Hear it and heal, ignore it and stagnate. I give not a damn. I'm done playing patsy to a system that violated my basic human rights, stole my blood and identity, placed me in an unsafe environment, classified me as less than human, and left a stain on me that will be here for the rest of my life. I will always be "the one who's adopted" to the afamily and "the one that got adopted out" to the bios. I will never really belong anywhere, because I was adopted. Home is never home when your heart doesn't belong anywhere.

Don't start with "my family was great!" Lovely for you. My older sister's family was great, too, from what she told me. Lovely, delightful, caring people who truly embraced her as one of their own. Lovely happy life. Yet she still felt something was missing. The scar, the biological imperative know who you are. It troubled her, even with her beautiful life. We spoke in depth about her feelings of being incomplete, and how it made her feel like an inadequate daughter to the people that had adopted her. She felt guilty that she wasn't happy even though her life was damn near perfect. The scar was there. The blood called to her, as it calls to us all, and eventually we must answer. She, being a wiser woman than I, chose to break off all contact with crazy biomom right away. Nevertheless the fact remains she NEEDED to know where she came from. And the kind of anger she had for our mother was no trifling amount (biomom kept her until she was two or three, then gave her away).

You think that doesn't leave a scar? Then you have little to no understanding of human nature.

The Fog is the denial of the scar. The illusion that adoption is altruistic and beautiful, that there aren't monsters behind desks with shiny faces and pretty suits sizing you up. That they don't gauge your "desperation+bank totals+pretty faces= $39,000 per baby". The belief it is a "viable treatment for infertility". All the shiny pretty stuff you think you know about adoption, that you want to believe? That's the fog. And all those things are as insubstantial and see-through as fog is, when you get up close.

The denial of the biological imperative can lead to anxiety issues, did you know that? Constantly wondering can lead to depression and identity issues, even MPD. PTSD is just part of the package. Did you know that adoptees are 50% more likely to be abused by adopters, and four times more likely to commit suicide than non adoptees? Did you know that our scars can affect our ability to trust and connect, especially if that initial abandonment is repeated throughout our lives? Would you admit it if you did know? 

If you think I'm full of shit and "belittling your experience" or "trying to silence those with positive things to say" then you're in the fog. 

I look forward to the day when  listening to people spew that garbage about adoption won't make me physically ill. I don't think that day is coming anytime soon.

Actually the day I look forward to the most is the day all the lies about adoption are debunked, and people realize what they've been doing to voiceless, rightless children for decades. 


  1. In the beginning of our journey there is no scar!! Without recognition there is a large traumatic wound deep withing that we now term the Primal Wound. A large traumatic wound will never heal and form scar tissues unless it is first recognized and cleaned out. Since most of us have been told to forget about it, it will go away, when we start our healing journey because the toxins from the infected, with necrotic tissue and full of proud flesh wound becomes so extremely painful and angry it demands our attention. Here is an excerpt from my soon to be released book about trauma wounds and how they heal...As a healthcare, professional I know that wounds are caused by two things Trauma or pressure We suffer both. Removal of necrotic tissue by debridement is beneficial for several reasons. Debridement removes dead, devitalized, or contaminated tissue, and any foreign material from a wound, which helps to reduce the number of microbes, toxins, and other substances that inhibit healing.
    Necrotic tissue is dead skin. There is another type of tissue that tries to cover the wound. This tissue is a tissue that appears as healthy skin. Some think it is good and that it means the wound is healing well. It is not good. Unless a deep wound heals from the inside out it will always cause problems. This tissue is called Proud Flesh.
    When an infected, ignored trauma wound is finally recognized usually because the wounded just can;t take the pain anymore it is not unusual for one to need help to clean such wound out. However if the wound is cleaned out and appropriate wound care done the wound will eventually with time heal from the inside out and create the desired scar tissue. (Copyright M.Stuntz 2016)

  2. You're right, Mary. I used the wronng term, wound is far more accurate. Principle remains. 😊

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  4. Thank-you for sharing your thoughts today. I'm glad I happened to catch Tonya N. sharing it on facebook.

    I also appreciate Mary's explanation of wound care. Wow.

    Although today I am feeling extra lonely, I'm glad to be reminded I am not alone.

    1. Thanks for reading, always glad to be of service. 😊

  5. Thanks for the platform my friend.


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